There has been a constant war going on in my head for quite some time. It pits the agnostic, logical me against the Pagan, Wiccan, witch me. This battle is fought daily, many times a day, and it is relentless. It has caused me to assemble, disassemble, and reassemble my altar many, many times. I have deleted entire databases of witchcraft photos, spells, rituals and other Craft information, only to spend days, and weeks trying to restore it. I’ve deleted substantial Pagan blogs, only to regret it the next day. I’ve established more than a handful of internet witchcraft personas, only to move on and dismiss them. It has been an exhausting war.
Lately, I’ve written some blog posts about zeroing in on Wicca or witchcraft, forsaking other interests such as politics. I realize that those posts were writing on the wall, clues to myself about the direction of my life. Clearly, this witchcraft aspect of my life is important to me. Every time I’ve thrown it away, I’ve gone out an recaptured it. It is obviously vitally important to me. So a decision had to be made.
A truce is not enough. The war in my head has to end, as I fear for my mental well being. One of those mental armies has to be victorious, overcome and conquer the other. I’ve decided to let the Wiccan warriors be victorious.
In doing so, I realize I have to accept some ideas, practices, and beliefs that the logical me has dismissed, or at least held at bay. I’ve done much of the heavy lifting on that already. The fact that I have faith in spells, magick, and witchcraft in general is testimony to my acceptance of the possibilities that not all see.
However, there has been some holdover skepticism. Some aspects of the paranormal, of the occult, the psychic realm, and its’ connection to Wiccan spirituality, spiritualism, and the preternatural, have often been casualties of my logical mind, despite the fact that many of these beliefs and practices are aspects of a witch’s life. I’ve been selective in my beliefs, seemingly choosing what I’ve considered fairly logical over what seemed to be outside my realm of acceptance.
I’ve become increasingly aware of these holdovers since I’ve spent more times in some great witchcraft groups on Facebook. I see a lot of those subjects that were outside my belief standards, and spent a lot of time mentally dismissing them. But now I see I need to be more open to most all levels of witchcraft belief.
I don’t think it’s healthy to completely shut off my disbelief. There are delusional beliefs. I think about a quote from Philip Carr-Gomm:
The risks involved in the pursuit of magic are–put simply–either getting frightened by unpleasant perceptions or becoming deluded. Unfortunately it is possible to suffer from both symptoms at the same time.
I interpret that to mean that magic can conjure up things that one might not be so happy or well-equipped to handle or believe, yet one does not dismiss the possibility that it is possible to shape your beliefs to fit a desired outcome.
But I think you have to give into the possibilities, and I haven’t quite gotten all the way there. So I aim to change that. The scales will now tip toward openness of belief, the idea that there are many things within a witch’s life that the logical mind can not easily accept.
I’ll be honest, this relatively short post was difficult to put into words. This is day 3 of shaping it. I want the reader to understand that I am diving far deeper down the rabbit hole than I ever imagined, while keeping delusions at bay. I’m dismissing mental spiritual roadblocks, with a desire, a need, to immerse myself deeper into my spiritual path of 13 years. I’m letting witchcraft win the mental war.
Thank you so much for reading. I’d be happy to hear about your experiences or thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment!