Gothic Witch: Getting Real..

5899c095f774c4b387045440c7de16f8Yeah, the hippie Wiccan thing backfired. I completely went the other way. I simply found that trying to be all “blessed be” hippie was more of a public image than part of my internal make-up. Putting on one face for others, while harboring a darker mindset seemed crazy, considering I’m already doing that in real life, by concealing the fact that I am a witch to most who know me.

So why have I tried so diligently to project that persona? There are many reasons really. I’ve always put on a pleasant face to the public. My parents didn’t exactly teach me to do that, but their actions did, so I just seemed to follow in their footsteps. My father was a genuinely nice and caring person, so it came naturally to him. My mother had her demons, yet projected a polite persona. I inherited a few of  my mother’s demons, which I hate to admit, but indeed, I must.

I’m always shocked by people who air their displeasure with situations in public. I have family members who seemingly have no reservations letting everyone know they are unhappy with something or someone, even to the point of making everyone in the room uncomfortable. It seems their feelings trump everyone else’s feelings. I can’t imagine doing that.

To a fault, I’ve been a people pleaser. I try to make everyone comfortable and happy, often to the detriment of my own health and happiness. I’ve written about the fact that I believe I’ve experienced illnesses after the December holidays because I spent so much of my personal energy making sure everyone was having a good holiday. By January, I was so energy depleted that my immune system was compromised, and I spent a month or more paying the price.

Truthfully, and I will write more about this in the future, I discovered psychic vampirism back in 2007, when I began exploring my gothic tendencies. I had an immune system breakdown, which landed me in a rheumatologist’s office. I credit both his advice and medication and Michelle Belanger’s book, The Psychic Vampire Codex: A Manual of Magick and Energy Work for my recovery.

I continue to occasionally suffer from immune system problems. I can point directly to stress as the main trigger for the onset of the disease. Often, it happens when I’ve put myself out there for others, while forsaking my own physical and psychological needs.

I’m straying from my intended post here a bit. What I’m trying to say is that it’s time to embody and project my true self, especially in my online witchcraft writings, in which I try to be brutally honest. If I can’t be honest in a relatively anonymous forum, when can I be?

I have days when I’m a real hippie. I dress like a hippie. But most of the time, my mind, my interests, and my actions point to goth. A gothic outlook. It is ultimately what keeps me sane and healthy. This mindset takes me in a different direction from Wicca.

There’s no definitive conclusion here. I simply felt that I owed you, the reader, the truth. I know it flies in the face of my “Hippie Wicca!” post.  But you might have noticed that I’ve not written (except for the horror movie post) since I wrote the Hippie Wicca entry. I started half a dozen posts, along the hippie witch lines, but they just fizzled out after 300 or 400 words. Those drafts just felt forced. Conversely, this entry just flew out my fingertips. That alone speaks volumes.

More later.




  1. While reading your post, I was reminded of Abby Sciuto from NCIS, the happiest Goth in the world. It’s not easy to be nice all the time, and personally, I find it draining to be my sarcastic self all the time too. I think this is just a journey of finding a balance that we’re happy with. Once we’re comfortable with ourselves, who cares what anyone else thinks, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Ky! Your last sentence is exactly right. I’ve spent far too much of my life worrying what other people think of me. Part of the hesitancy of letting the goth shine through is the worry that my social media will appeal to less people. Ultimately, we spend our lives worrying about things that will never happen, so I’m doing my best to work with that. Balance is key, yes. For me, approaching life with a goth-like outlook allows for that balance, far more than keeping up the hippie everlasting hopefulness. Thanks for your comments! Blessings!


  2. I have been struggling constantly with how I project myself. It has actually destroyed numerous relationships, both romantic and platonic. Putting on that mask every day, and the resulting mental and emotional stress it caused me, ended up costing me the best paying job I could have in this town (now I rely solely on my writing and photography as income). This mask has also brought so much confusion in my spiritual life. Most of the time I don’t even practice my craft, honour my deities or ancestors, or even really observe the world as a spiritual entity. I am dark and angry and terrifying, but I am also bright and gentle and soft. I have this weird line running down the middle of my psyche that extends into every aspect of my life, and causes a rift in my thoughts most days. I don’t even know what I want from my spirituality anymore.

    Your words hit home and really opened me up to considering different things about my spiritual life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for commenting. I think that a key to living a Pagan/Wiccan/witchcraft spiritual path is being comfortable in one’s own skin. It’s awfully difficult to devote time to deities, magick, rituals, when your mind is battling itself. Part of the problem is the solitary nature of most people’s Craft paths. Think about the fact that a Christian or any member of a congregation can rely on that support group and the orderliness of the services. I mean you show up, listen to the service, participate in some responsive readings, and you’re done. Most witches have to make that all happen for themselves. It’s daunting, even without inner turmoil. I think a vast majority of us on this spiritual path are seekers, trying to find the right fit for ourselves. Blessings to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The title of this post definitely caught my eye, lol 😉 But seriously, I feel like I could’ve written this. I’m almost 30 and I only embraced my goth self a couple of years ago. I too was a people-pleaser and suffered from psychic vamp attacks quite frequently. Instead of standing up for myself, I was always afraid to show my true darker side in case I scared anyone away or made them too uncomfortable. Through some deep Shadow Work, I’m learning to stop caring about everyone else all the time and to embrace my dark tendencies. There was a time when green hair or dark lipstick would’ve been taboo in my wardrobe but now it feels so natural. I also have a streak of hippie as well so I understand the dichotomy of wanting to be all love-and-light yet still be a goth at the same time. I still haven’t decided how to sign off on my posts. Part of me knows that “Blessed Be” is easily recognizable to fellow witches and pagans yet I honestly wouldn’t say it to another witch/pagan IRL so….I’m going to have think on that some more. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your hippie/goth journey 🙂


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