It’s been nine days since I wrote here last. I know that is too long to go between posts, and I hate it as much as some of the readers here might. In this instance it’s not laziness that is to blame, rather this: rebirth is fucking hard! It’s like discovering everything for the first time, only there remains points of reference for comparison sake. I’m speaking largely with regards to witchcraft, and my place in/on the path.
The easier part of this transition has been sloughing off my tactile past life. My behavior is different because I’ve let go of false expectations. I’ve stopped doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, only to find nothing changes. This has meant leaving behind friendships that were harmful to my psyche. Behaviors and actions that I will admit proved beneficial in the past, but became toxic in recent years were my primary target. Actually “letting go” isn’t exactly the right term. Rather, the history of these actions or behaviors, along with why they were beneficial in the past, is now just a pinpoint of light, fading away.
Proving more challenging has been narrowing down the focus of my witchcraft path. Honestly, I’ve been all over the map with its’ direction. I feel the mental tug of Wicca. I expected this, due to the fact that in the life left behind, it played such a large role. However, the Left Hand Path beckons, and I’ve answered that call. There is a strong attraction toward Lucifer & Lilith, and I’ve performed several rituals honoring them.
I find this to be extremely challenging. On one hand, there is a comfort factor with the Wiccan path. It’s akin to being in the embrace of the God & Goddess. Warm fuzzies, ya know? Yet the Left Hand Path is forcing me to examine my subconscious, which is where I feel this attraction beckons. For me, it seems to be a path of loneliness and self-reliance, both of which I’m feeling right now.
My life as a cottage witch has passed. I feel a need for a deeper connection with witchcraft, apart from folk magick. While I see low magick having a place in my path, I’m looking for a more shamanic/ecstatic experience. I want to walk the hedge, lift the veil, and experience the ecstasy of the Craft. I want to feel the experience, rather than simply perform a spell with the hope that it works.
I think that’s what I was missing in that past life. I can see that now, realizing that was the reason for my disinterest in spells over the past few years. Spells were something I performed when I needed something to change, or needed to heal. In the absence of those needs (thankfully), there was little need or motivation to be a witch.
Back in May, in the prior life, I wrote this post, indicating even then I was being drawn in that direction. I had posted a photo of some books I wanted to get. Well, now they are in hand.
I’ll be honest with you. I fully expected to emerge from this rebirth in the Wiccan fold with a hippie outlook. Instead, the goth has bubbled to the top, the comfort of the darkness has taken hold, and the desire to explore that darkness has a gravitational pull that I can’t escape.
My explorations continue…. Thanks so much for reading, and please feel free to leave a comment! I love hearing from you.