This is a snapshot of my life: Last Sunday, after being hounded with numerous reminders that my prescriptions were ready at the persistent pharmacy, I went to pick them up. I was in a fine mood on the way, waited my turn to pay for my drugs (antidepressants, ironically), got back in the car and drove off. A few blocks from the drug store, it hit. A blast of immense sadness. I decided to drive a bit before heading home, hoping it might pass. I knew it wouldn’t. I felt myself shutting down, and driving slow, which I do when consumed with depression.
I took the long way, on side streets, so my 5 MPH under the speed limit driving wouldn’t get me honked and screamed at by other drivers. By the time I got home, getting out of the car was a chore. I went inside, put on a happy face for my wife, and went downstairs to watch a spring training baseball game. Luckily, I was cooking a slightly complicated dinner that night, and in doing so, I managed to emerge from the earlier funk.
That was a anomaly. Normally, that depression will last for days or weeks. To be clear, I’m talking about a really severe period of depression. I don’t ever feel that I’m totally free of depression. I’m awesome in covering up everyday sadness, it’s the crushing kind that people can spot. And people wonder why I am so attracted to the Goth subculture….
I tell you all this as a reference point. Suffering from daily, and sometimes heightened depression can really screw up perseverance and continuity, especially in social media. I love communicating through that medium. It helps me stay connected even when I don’t feel like actually talking to anyone. My problem has been that I will hit the depression skids, and I want to walk away from something going well, and start something else. It’s a character flaw created by melancholia.
I’ve started dozens of blogs, all with fantastic intentions. I had one a couple of months ago that had a decent following. Then one day, boom. I deleted it. Next day I was devastated I did that. Right now I have two blogs I’m juggling, and I’ve made the decision to stay with this one. This morning I spent a bunch of time changing the theme, adding widgets, and connecting it to other social media outlets. I wanted to put lots of effort into it so I would think once, twice, and three times before I chucked it.
I’ve also had similar experiences with Twitter and Google Plus. To my credit (yes, I’m patting myself on the back), I’ve stuck with these for a decent amount of time. Twitter is approaching 5000 followers, and G+ is, well, it is what it is. I hope that Google stays with G+, but I have my doubts. I do really, really like it. Instagram is more like a hobby. I’m not that committed to it, but it’s a nice pastime.
Persevering and staying committed to anything while slaying the depression dragon on a daily basis is challenging. I thought I owed this explanation to those who might have invested time in reading a blog I’ve begun, then watched it become abandoned. I hope that being able to lay bare my soul here might go a long way in keeping me here. That is my full intent. Stability is the golden egg, and I am determined to achieve the goal.
I’ve decided to write more about depression in this blog. Not all the time, but I have found that posts on depression are very popular. I’m not alone in this, and I think people are comforted by knowing that others are in the same boat as them.